I feel weird.

Back before I met DH (so this was years ago), I was in a relationship with someone else for six years. Towards the end, it came very close to being abusive, and I gave him an ultimatum: Get counseling for the anger within the next 30 days or we're through. He didn't. So I walked. But it wasn't that easy, of course. There were a lot of things said and done by both of us that weren't very nice.

I wasn't very grown up. Neither was he. And "fighting fair" was just a concept. There was a lot of yelling. He even went to my mom's house one day and told her things about me that I never wanted anyone to know. But I also did some things I regret--and could have handled differently. I played a lot of games. He responded by being angrier. It took me many years to see that, of course. I still believe that the relationship was very doomed. I should've left long before I did.

But it is a part of my past. There are still some happy memories, although the unhappy ones outweigh them.

I was at the thrift store in town when someone said "Hi Carol!" It was his sister and his mom. I hadn't seen them since probably 1996 or so. His mom looked so old--of course, what did I expect after all that time???? Anyhow, there was some small talk, then his sister said, "He's not doing well. He's not taking care of his diabetes at all. (I didn't know he had diabetes, of course). His leg's all black and he won't go to the doctor. He got arrested for driving without insurance and they wouldn't put him in jail, they told him to go to the hospital, because he was in too bad of shape. He keeps saying, "If I die, I die." And all he does is sleep. He's going to lose his leg for sure, but we think he's going to be dead soon."

That really freaked me out. I don't know how to feel. I never, even when we broke up, never hated him. But I was afraid of him. Now that I'm older, I can see that he didn't have very many skills in the relationship department. I'm not afraid any more. He never had another girlfriend after me. That kind of freaks me out, too.

Part of me wants to give him a call and tell him that I'm thinking about him and urge him to get to a doctor before it's too late. But another part of me does not want to open up a can of worms. I'd like to tell him that I know he did the best he could and that no matter what I said at the time, it wasn't all his fault (our breakup). I think I would regret not telling him that, if he were to die.

I told DH about all of this. He told me that if our positions were reversed, he'd probably call. He said he understood that this person was a part of my history and I didn't stop having that just because DH and I got married. (For all his shortcomings, DH is good at the relationship stuff...) But I also know that he might've just been saying that. The thought of me contacting someone who was a big part of my past has to make him at least a little uncomfortable. It makes ME a little uncomfortable.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do. And how to do it. I can't even imagine this person in such bad shape that he might die. I know we all do, but I guess you kind of tend to think of your friends and family as super-human, know what I mean? I'm kind of shocked and sad.

And it makes me want to force DH to take better care of HIS diabetes (or whatever). I know they were giving him insulin in the hospital. So he should at least be checking his blood sugar....and I should be trying to cook healthier, too. It's scary. Mortality sucks.

Hold that thought(s).

This post is the story of my week so far. Kind of long, kind of full of teenage drama, and kind of just a snapshot into how things are sometimes at my house....

Friday: DD wants to have a friend over. I'm working an extra shift, so I know it's going to annoy me (having anyone over who doesn't live there is hard for me), but since I know that it's so important to DD, I say ok. I remind DH and DD about the rule we have about not doing two sleepovers in a row (meaning that tomorrow night said friend will sleep at her own house.) (and meaning that I know eventually I won't have a houseguest)...

Saturday: DD does great with friend. They have a lot of fun. So does DH. He's having a great time being the "cool dad" and taking the girls for rides on the four-wheeler. DH takes me aside and says "DD wants "friend" to stay overnight again." I say no. Remember that rule? It's there because DD cannot "keep it together" through two sleepovers, and even when she does succeed, she ends up having a meltdown as soon as "friend" goes home. So no.

So DH tells me that "friend"'s parents had mentioned that they had some overnight houseguests who were not very nice. They are the "friend"'s uncle and aunt, who are at that house because they actually own the house and just pop in to have a drunken argument whenever they're in the neighborhood. DH puts me on the spot, because now I feel like I'll be sending "friend" into the lion's den, if I continue to say "no".
So, I tentatively reconsider, with DH promising that a) the girls will go to bed at a reasonable time and b) they will be put to sleep in separate rooms (friend will sleep on the couch). And DD promising that she can handle it, or else no friends over for the rest of the month.....Ok, we'll see.

So at 6pm DH decides to take the girls fishing on the boat (the boat is basically a rowboat with a motor--we could probably sell it for a hundred bucks or maybe even a little more, but I'm not sure it'd be worth the trouble...). Ok, no big deal. I laid down for a nap, because I had to work at 10pm. They weren't home when I left for work (9pm) but I know that since DH had promised me (and he usually doesn't break promises), they'll be home soon. At midnight I call the house from work and they still aren't home. At 1am he called to tell me that they had run out of gas in the middle of the lake and had to call a friend of his for help. So the girls didn't get to bed until about 2am (so much for a reasonable time)...but he did put them to bed in separate rooms, anyhow....

Sunday: I'm sleeping after working all night. DD's bio mom calls, wondering about their weekly visit. She wants to bring DD to a movie. Instantly, DD becomes very rude to her friend, telling her that what she wanted to do was stupid and ordering her to go home. DH called her on it, reminding her of her promise, and she flew into a tantrum--screaming and crying, so DH brought friend home, and told DD that she was not going to be allowed to go to the movie, and that her bio mom could come over to our house to visit, instead. That did not sit well with DD either. She flew into an even bigger rage. DH called her bio mom to tell her what was going on, and bio mom, after hearing the screaming in the background, elected not to come over, saying her visits are a privilege. DD made some comments that almost sounded like she was accusing DH of being abusive, but not quite. He got very angry and told her he would never abuse her in any way, ever. (and he never would, no matter how unbalanced he is at the time)....She told him that he had brain damage and wouldn't remember anything he did anyway. She ran in the house and DH was not able to open the screen door, as she either had it locked or was holding it or whatever (see below). He told her that he could break the door if he had to, and she went to her room, screaming. DH woke me up to tell me what was going on.

I told him to just leave her be, which he did. About 20 minutes later, DD wanted to "talk" about what happened, so she came out into the living room to talk, and all she did was argue every little point, like when DH brought up the screen door, and that she had locked him out, she said "I DIDN'T LOCK IT, I WAS HOLDING IT!" and it was clear that she wasn't going to accept responsibility for any of this. Her attitude was snotty, and I told her that we were done talking until she was ready to talk and listen in a respectful way. She started screaming that she was ready, and that proved to me that she wasn't ready. So I got up to do some laundry, including the blanket that "friend" had used when she slept on the couch. But DD, when she saw me grab it, grabbed the other end and wouldn't let go. I told her to go to her room. She said no. I warned her that she was going to start losing privileges, she said she didn't care. I told her that if she didn't go into her room right now, that she was not going up north to DH's mom's next summer, and summer camp would be out of the question too. She looked at me like I was Hitler, but kept on screaming at the top of her lungs. Then DH said, "Ok, in addition to no friends coming over for the rest of this month, you've got another month!" Once again, she said she didn't care. So then DH said, "Alright, no Winter Formal!" (That was the highlight of her school year last year, her first dress-up dance.) She started to scream that he couldn't do that, and he said "If you don't get in your room by the time I count to three, I sure will do that!" So she finally went into her room. She screamed at the top of her lungs for about 10 more minutes, then everything was quiet.

She was, in fact, packing to leave. She had all of her favorite stuff in trash bags and was ready to leave. Unfortunately, she doesn't have a drivers license or a car (oh too bad) and we live out in the middle of nowhere. She told us she was leaving home and she was going to go live with "friend2", a friend she (up until about an hour prior) hated with a passion for spreading "rumors". Sad for her, friend2's parents don't have a car....so DD called her pca but her pca didn't answer. About 5 minutes later, the pca called to see why we had called her, and I told her what was going on and knew that she (the pca) would never drive DD anywhere without our permission....

I knew DD was doing all this drama just to get attention. She wanted us to un-focus on the fact that she had been a jerk and incurred a bunch of crappy consequences, and re-focus on the fact that "Oh, no, DD, please don't go, we love you so much!!!" But I didn't buy into it, and neither did DH, we just let her keep packing. Then she asked us to drive her to someone's house where she could stay, and when we both said no way, sorry, you're on your own for this one, she started screaming again and ran into her room and shut the door. She screamed for about another half hour and then fell asleep for the night.

I went to work.

Monday: I debated whether I should send DD to school or not. I decided that the routine would help her get back to earth, so she went off to school. After school, she seemed a little remorseful, and did her homework without whining....so I was thinking that we'd get an apology soon, at least....she usually apologizes when she knows she's been awful....instead....

"Friend"'s dad came over. He is going to bow-hunt for deer on our land next week and, if he gets one, we will get half of the meat. So he wanted to go back in the woods and scout out his strategy. DH and the dad were chatting, and DD came outside and told the dad that "Friend isn't allowed to come over for two whole months!" So then DH had to kind of give a basic summary of why, so the dad would know that it wasn't anything to do with his daughter....so DH said, "DD had some bad behavior and got some pretty severe consequences." The dad said to DD, "Wow, you must've been pretty bad, huh?" DD says, in absolute seriousness, "Yeah, I was really really bad. They kicked me out."

Oh for Pete's sake. So now what does the school think of us?????

Still Monday: After all of this, my mom called. I was already on my way to see her. When I got there, my mom was very depressed, just so sad. "What's the matter?" I said. She said, "I forgot to tell you....there's a banquet tomorrow....they told me a few days ago, but I forgot all about it...."

The banquets are 3 or 4 times a year, all the people at the assisted living can have 2 guests, and everyone gets dressed up for a fancy dinner. It's big doings for a lot of those folks...

I told her that I was scheduled to train with my boss on Tuesday, so I would have to have DH go to the banquet with her. Then she said that she wasn't going to go. I told her it would be fun. No, she would feel out of place. And she didn't have anything to wear. And she really didn't feel like it anyhow....and then she started crying. I felt so helpless. I wound up calling my boss on Tuesday and begging for a few hours to go to the banquet. I helped my mom find something to wear, and DH came, and it was very nice. I'm glad I went, and I'm really glad my mom went. The depression has me worried, but we have an appointment on Friday afternoon with the Dr., and I'm hoping maybe he'll prescribe an antidepressant....

So after the banquet, I had my 2 hour commute to my full-time job. I got there and everything I touched didn't work. Systems went down, there were problems from other departments that I couldn't figure out, and my "routine" was kind of discombobulated, because I was five hours late to work....anyhow, I left work at 5am and got home at 7am.

Tuesday: After getting home at 7am, I got up at 11am and ran to pick up a prescription for DH, and some money for my mom to get her hair done at the beauty salon (that's right inside the assisted living facility) Thursday. Then I ran home, made sure everyone was fed/watered/pottied, and drove back to work.

I'm still at work now. The system that I need is working, but very slowly, so I'm having a lot of downtime (obviously). But when I re-read all of this, I can see why sometimes the house is a mess and the lawn isn't pretty :-(

Yikes.

Bipolar Drama Update

Well, after yesterday's drama, I'm sure you're wondering what happened.

Ok, then, well, nothing.

I was very angry. I had a coupon for a $19.99 hotel room and gave some serious thought toward using that, but I didn't want to waste it when the night was almost half over. So I went home and went to bed. And when I woke up, DH's friends were really nice to me, and DH acted like nothing had happened. I'm really afraid of what I might provoke by bringing it up again right now, but rest assured, I will. And of course I will let you know what transpires!

See, I guess I need to explain something about DH's bipolar mood swings. When he is having one, he comes across as very angry (usually) or very excited (usually about something he has spent money on). When he is in either of these states, it is like he is a different person. He's "That Guy". "That Guy" doesn't listen to reason, and he gets angry at the smallest perceived slight. He is irrational, and if I express frustration, "That Guy" is always wanting to "leave". Or kill himself.

"That Guy", however, is not my DH. It feels strange to even type that, let alone try to explain it. DH is a calm, rational person, a person who strives to make me happy, a person who, if I say "I WILL NOT TOLERATE (whatever)", he will make a very strong point of not even coming close to doing that, because he wants me to be happy. He wouldn't argue with me about it, he would just accept the fact that "my wife can't stand (whatever)" and get on with things. "That Guy", on the other hand, is only in it for himself. DH is the guy who, when one of our cats did not want her nails trimmed, and bit him THROUGH his thumbnail, leaving a hole(!), calmly said "Well, I guess she isn't going to let me trim her toenails tonite." He doesn't lose his temper, especially with the animals. I believe it was "That Guy" who was talking yesterday. It doesn't make his actions acceptable, for sure. And whether it's DH or "That Guy" abusing the dogs, it needs to stop. And I will have to address the issue strongly at a time when I'm confident that DH is "all there" and ready to hear what I have to say. It makes it easier for me to wake up and have DH back for a while, and not have to say much about what happened yesterday. Yet, anyhow.

I have a tough time sometimes with "That Guy". Ok, in all honesty, I would like to divorce "That Guy". But every once in a while, DH comes back, and, as I've written before, I a) get my hopes up and b) fail to immediately recognize when "That Guy" has taken over again.

I'm not saying that any of this is my fault, except for my expectations, of course, I DO NOT LIKE "THAT GUY". But DH, well, I love him dearly and want him back really bad. Does that make any sense at all?

Oh for Pete's sake!!!

Well, he called me back because he's "scared". I know he's "scared" that I'm going to tell him to leave. I never have yet, but I get closer every time something like this happens.

I told him he should be.

He asked me if I want him to leave, I lied and said "no, but you need to make sure this never happens again. I WILL NOT TOLERATE ABUSE." "Talk to your therapist, get anger management, I don't know, but I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS."

He said he didn't abuse the dog(s) and I said "well, if you had punched ME, it would have been abuse, so what's different?"

He said "WOMAN, I HAVE NEVER HIT YOU." And I said "that is true." "But there's a first time for everything, and when you abuse the animals, it makes me scared and angry."

And he hung up on me. WOMAN. Right.

It sure would be easier if he was gone when I get home. But I suppose he won't be, because his stupid truck is stuck in the woods. Oh. And the gun(s) are home now, too, for hunting season, so who knows what mistakes I've made by trying to be understanding....

Absolutely fed up

Well, earlier today I got a call from DH who had received a call from a bill collector who was threatening to put a lien on our house if he didn't pay up. I have done quite a bit of research on this, because my name is on the house, too, and from what I can tell, the worst they can do is put a lien on it, they can't force us to sell the house or anything like that, because MN has a homestead exemption of $200,000 and our house is only worth half that on a really good day, so as far as having a place to live, I think we're safe, but I am not a lawyer and have never dealt with this before, so I could very possibly be wrong. I advised DH to start filling out his bankruptcy papers ASAP because I do know that if he gets those debts discharged in bankruptcy, nobody can do anything to our house. "Oh, I will do that as soon as I get home."

Well, a couple of hours later I called to remind him to fill those forms out, because he either "forgets" or "never gets around to it" or "gets sidetracked" without a zillion reminders.

The first thing he tells me is that his pickup is stuck really bad on the far edge of our land. "Why on earth did you bring it back there?" "Well, Jason bought a deer stand and we wanted to set it up". Never mind that it has been raining for about three weeks straight, there are puddles in the puddles, and the truck can get stuck back there without any rain...to me this seems like a really really stupid thing. Now he's either got to ask our weenie neighbor who I hate for help, or leave it up there, unless he and Jason come up with some other solution. But waiit!!! There's more!!!!!

Our screen door doesn't close right. It closes but unless you latch it yourself, it doesn't latch. Megan (our lab/pit bull mix) has figured that out and decided she was going to leave. Then DH let Molly out and she left with Megan and they were running up the road. So DH got Megan in the truck by promising her a ride, but Molly wouldn't come to him. I guess his friend Jim got a hold of Molly and put her in the truck. DH says that he "punched her hard" and she bit him. So that pissed him off more, so he kicked her and "threw her in her kennel". I am absolutely speechless and furious. I think I need to ask him to go someplace else. I cannot live with someone who abuses my animals, and I cannot live with someone who scares me. And the fact that he would do that to our innocent animals does scare me.

I'm about ready to cry. I keep expecting him to act like he used to, and things just keep getting worse and worse. I'm afraid of what his not paying the bills will do to me, our house, our family...I'm afraid that he keeps on making really stupid decisions, and I'm afraid because he admittedly used violence towards our animals. I hope he feels bad enough and just leaves. Maybe he can go get a place with his brother. Right now I can't see straight and am absolutely furious.