Abilify = "That Guy"

Sigh.

DH has an appointment with his PDOC next week (on the 17th). He was happy when he realized that, because he said, "I hope they can do something about all the anger I've been having lately." I said, "I think the Abilify is helping you get more done, but I think you've been having mood swings again, and "That Guy" has been around more. I'd actually say you've been a little manic."

DH said, "I think you're right."

So at least we're both on the same page there.

Last night, DH, who has a mild cold, needed some Kleenex, so we went to the store after DD was asleep. We got there and grabbed the Kleenex, then he wanted "scrubbies" for the kitchen. Ok, they're not too expensive. Then he asked me if we could get some eggs. We have chickens, but he'd rather eat the factory eggs. Ok, if it'll get him fed for not too much money, I guess so. Then he "accidentally, on purpose" walked down the pop aisle to point out all the good pop prices to me. He was disappointed when I said, "we've already got more than we came for." Then he said, "Oh look! Pop Tarts are only two for three dollars!" "We should get some!" I said no. He said, "but they're a quick snack!" I said, "So is soup." He didn't say anything. Then when we were checking out, he wanted a candy bar. I said no. He said, "Just one?" I said, "look at the price." (They were 99 cents each). He said, "They're less than a dollar!" I just shook my head. And he got mad and for the most part hasn't spoken to me at all since then. I'm waiting for "That Guy" to go away.

And to top it all off, earlier in the day I had given him $30!!! I can't afford him. He's like a cement weight around my financial neck.

Reminiscing

Tonite I was thinking about DH's guitar(s)--he has two. One that he pawns and one that he plays :-)

He decided to learn to play the guitar shortly before he started having problems. I had an old guitar and he started taking lessons and getting really "into" it. Then, as with everything else, he stopped paying the bill for his lessons. In order to (as usual) save face in our community, I paid the bill without DH knowing and he did not go back.

He did keep on playing, but his illness really caused him to not be able to put as much into it as he normally would have. His guitar, though, was one of the things he loved and was proud of.

One night, and I believe this happened before I started blogging, he called me at work and was very "freaked out". He kept saying "I don't know what just happened."
After we talked for a while, he told me that he had taken his guitar and smashed it to smithereens. And I mean smithereens. Smaller than finger-sized pieces. And he had no idea why he had done that, he just felt like he "had to". That was one of the few times that I have ever wondered if I was safe with him. He had never done anything like that before.

Anyhow, tonite I was thinking about his guitar(s) that he has now, and the smashed guitar just popped into my mind. And my thought was, "I cannot imagine DH doing that." Right now, he is in such a better place. When I compare things like that to how things are now, it's like night and day. And I'm reminded to be grateful.

Hot dog cooker

I bought one of these at the second hand store the other day. It was actually still brand-new, never used, priced at $4.00!!! I bought it thinking it was one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. After all, how hard is it to cook a hot dog? But, since I know DH, and the fact that he considers boiling water to be "cooking" and that is something he "doesn't do", I thought, "well, he can make toast, so maybe he can use this to make hot dogs!"

I assumed that it was really just another kitchen gadget that is basically useless. But $4, well, I thought I'd give it a try.

DH, when he first saw the box, did not laugh (which was what I did when I first saw the box). He thought it was a great idea. He couldn't wait to try it. I figured he'd be telling me that I wasted $4. I was wrong. He called me at work to tell me that the hot dogs were excellent! I didn't really believe him, though, I thought it was kind of like when DD makes macaroni and cheese--even if she makes a mistake, she still thinks it's "excellent" because she cooked it. Since DH "cooked" the hot dogs, I figured it worked the same way.

Guess what? The hot dogs that come out of that thing are yummy!!! The bun(s) get toasted just a little, and the hot dogs turn out great!!! I looked around on line for the toaster, to see what they cost when they're not at a second-hand store, and it looks like they range from about $15 to about $30. Good to know!

A little mania can be nice...

I think the Abilify is making DH just a LITTLE bit manic. He's been smoking more, and sleeping less. But I haven't seen anything (since Saturday) that made me too worried. Mostly, I think, whatever is going on, has been very good!

DH actually did ALL the laundry in the house (and it was pretty backed up!), folded it, and put it away. He called an electrician and found the true cause of the problem with the lights in DD's bathroom. He vaccuumed and also visited my mom!

Wow.

And the conversations with him have been very laid back, easy-going, kind of like they were when we first got married. I guess I didn't realize that we hadn't had that for a long time, until we suddenly did again.

Oh--and he agreed to start going to Spenders again. I told him I wasn't buying him any cigarettes until he promised me that he would. Now that he's promised, he seems pretty excited!

On a slightly more stressful note, one of DH's friends that he worked with a LONG time ago just "up and came over" today. We weren't expecting him at all, and of course the house was in chaos....although less chaos than usual, due to DH! I knew DH had talked the this person on the phone last week, and DH had told me that he had not told his friend what's been going on with him. I understand why, of course, but I don't have the exact plan for what DH told him, so I was afraid I was going to say something that would blow it.

I think this friend, though, has some kind of idea, because he used to come up to our place almost every weekend, but then when DH started "getting weird", he just stopped calling and he stopped coming by. I figured it was just one of those things that comes with mental illness. Now that he's back, I'm not sure what to think.

Anyhow, DH had allowed DD to rope him into appearing at her school to talk about his "career(s)". I had very grave concerns about this, for so many reasons. But DH was sure that he could do it, so that was that. Luckily, though, I guess, DH's friend went with him, because DH said "my thoughts were all jumbled. I was done in 5 minutes. I didn't know what to say." So DH's friend, who was a truck driver and is now retired, took over. So maybe his showing up at our house was just an angelic way of saving DH's face.

Oh. And leave it to Carol to open her big mouth! DH's friend told a joke, so I told a joke about G.W. Bush. I'm definitely not a fan of his. But after I told the joke, DH laughed out loud, and the friend gave a polite laugh. Then we found out that not only is he a Republican, but he is an ardent fan of George W. Oops. I guess I thought EVERYONE disliked Bush. Note to self: Only tell safe jokes when you are in the company of someone you don't know well.

Manic Saturday

It started out as a blissfully pleasant day. I had the day off from work, and my mom was purportedly safe in her assisted living apartment. I got 7 hours of sleep!!! That was so wonderful, that I slept longer than I had planned on. I told DH that I was going to run to the branch of my bank that is open on Saturdays, so that I could deposit a check that I had gotten for my flexible spending account, which would ensure that nothing would bounce. He asked me if he could come with, and I said sure.

Then DD wanted to come too. Until she realized that if we went to the bank, DH wouldn't be taking her to the pet store to see the animals, like he had promised earlier this week. He asked her which one she would rather do, go to the bank or go to the pet store. She, in hopes of going out to eat, said she'd rather go to the bank. So we started getting ready to go, and then DD started in on how DH had broken his promise because we were going to the bank and she wasn't going to the pet store. DH tried to point out to her that she had made the choice, not him, but when she kept whining, he got really angry and got in his truck, which we weren't even going to take, and started to leave. Then he stopped and ordered DD to get in, because they were going to the "damn pet store". And of course she didn't want to go.....ok....so we all got into the car to go to the bank.

DH took out his Lorazepams, and told me "the doctor thinks I should be taking two at a time, based on my body size." I have no idea if that was true or not, but he took two. And he drove to the bank. I have never been so scared. I can't even count the times I had to holler. He drifted off the road. He almost ran a red light. Then, at an intersection where all the cars were already stopped, he didn't notice and wasn't even slowing down. I was very glad to get to the bank, and afterwards, because I just wanted all of us to be able to enjoy each other's company, I took us to McDonalds. Ok. I was happy again.

As soon as we left McDonalds, DH informed me that he needed cigarettes. If I would have known that, I wouldn't have gone to McDonalds. I KNOW that DH's mom just wired him $40 on Wednesday, because that was the day he was having a fit because I wasn't home and he didn't have any cigarettes or money. WHERE DID THAT $40 GO????? Not in his gas tank, because that part comes later....Ok, not the first time that happened....he asked for money for pop. I said "drink water or Kool Aid." He said ok, but didn't say much else. So then we drove home, and I visited with my mom for a while. When I got home, I learned that DH had decided that it was ok for DD's friend to stay overnight. We generally have a rule that both parents consult regarding situations like that, but I guess it didn't apply today. So I got home and not only was the friend there, but DH had taken them both to the pet store, where friend had bought a pet rat. And it was in a cardboard box in DD's room. I don't have anything against pet rats in general, and, in fact, a long time ago I had a pet rat named Ratley. But this was so against our household rules. DH had no idea whether friend's parents will allow the rat. DH knows that I am against having small animals of any kind in our house, due to the fourteen cats that currently live there. So why the stupid thing was in our house is beyond me. But then, after DH told me about it, DD came out carrying the rat. Into the living room, where there were at least eight cats waiting to eat it. I told her to put the rat away and she wanted to argue. "Why" "He's a PET rat, not a bad rat", and she has been told dozens of times why we won't be getting any gerbils, hamsters, rats or mice in our house. It seems very obvious to me. I was not pleased, either by her arguing or by DH's complete lack of judgment. So what happens then, you ask? DH says, "Can you give me some gas money so that I can take them to Subway?" I told him I didn't have any. "I uh, already told them that we could go. Can I just take your car?" I said, "Well, I have to leave for work in 20 minutes, so if you can get back by then, yes..." Of course Subway takes longer than that. I am very angry by this time, because I am on the spot. Either I come up with a way for him to have gas money (so clearly he didn't put the $40 into his gas tank...) or DD is probably going to have another problem with "You promised!". I know dealing with the consequences of making promises he has no ability to keep would not be a bad thing, but I don't want "That Guy" to show up in front of DD's friend, either. So I gave him my check card and told him I needed a receipt. So anyhow, DH and DD's friend started to clean the house--a miracle in itself (of course DD wasn't helping) (and the fact that it was so strange kind of told me that things weren't right) and then they went to Subway and I went to work. I was crabby.

DH called me at work and started talking about taking apart DD's bunk bed, and putting a bed that his brother had given us, in her room instead. I knew by this time that his judgment was not right, so I said, "I don't think it's a good idea. First off, you've got that rat in there, and if the bedroom door is open, it's curtains for the rat. Then the fact of having DD showing off in front of her friend, and the friend not knowing how our household operates, I think you need to wait to do that until things are calmer at our house. DH said, "yeah, you're right."

So two hours later, DH called me again to tell me that the kids are sleeping in the living room because he started to take the bunk bed apart and it was harder than he thought!! So now, not only do I have a kid there that I wasn't expecting, they can't sleep in DD's bedroom. Which means that just like when Jim was there, I have no living room. I just get so frustrated.

I don't know what brought on this manic thing. All I can think of is that maybe it was the double dose of lorazepam, I don't know!!! Everything seemed to be going really well. Maybe I should've knocked on wood or something. If I had any money, I'd be considering a motel room just so I could get away from it all. But when I get home, I won't even be able to sleep on my couch.

Duck in a Truck

My ducks are just noisy lawn ornaments....but I loved this video....

Taking a deep breath...

Tonite, everything seems to be getting back to normal. I'm a little more confident that my mom will be ok in her apartment. The staff there seem to be confident that they can support her in the ways that she needs. And that's a huge relief. My mom is the only elderly person I know. So while her condition seems rather shocking to me, I guess the assisted living people see it more often than I know. I'm grateful in a weird way.

DD apologized for getting upset when I didn't want her to read Anne Rice. I'm sure there are other people out there who might disagree, but DD's maturity level is only of a 10 or 11 year old. For the most part, I don't have problems with anything she wants to read. I just want to encourage her to read, that's all. But I just don't think she's ready to read about adult situations like that. I know that there's also a chance that she might REALLY want to read Anne Rice, now that I've said "no". It's a tough call, for sure. But DD seems to have accepted it, at least to my face.

DH has been a little off today. I'm not sure if it's good or bad. He called me and sounded like he was mood swinging. I know he was angry that I didn't leave him any money when I went to work. And then we had a snowstorm and I didn't go home. And he was out of cigarettes. I think he wanted me to be more sympathetic or something. Somehow he talked his mom into wiring him $40. But I think he's still mad at me for not offering to run right home (90 miles) to make sure he had smokes. he did tell me, also, that he wants to be useful again, that he wants to work. But his reasons for wanting to work weren't the ones I was hoping for--instead of saying "I'm sick of you working two jobs while I sit around at home." or "I'd like to help you out.", he said, "I'm sick of not having my own money." "I want to go to the City and buy some stuff for my guitar. But I don't have any money or gas, so it'd be a waste." I wanted to say something about that, but I bit my tongue, because it sounded like he was already mood swinging.

But then, when I talked to him a little later, he told me that he cleaned the bathroom, gave Molly her ear drops (for yet another ear infection) and did laundry. He hasn't done that much around the house for a long time. So I'm not sure what to think. I think that Abilify is kind of subtle--I'm seeing changes, but they're not the in-your-face changes that we saw with the Lithium. All in all, I guess things sure could be a lot worse.

So I'm just going to breathe and soak up my little bit of normalness for tonite.

One crisis at a time, please....

Well, I haven't been writing, because I've been staying with my mom. It's really tough to see her like that--she's so unsure of herself--although she does seem to get a little better each day...tonite is the very first night that DH or I am not staying with her. We are going to see how things go without us. I am hoping and praying that everything goes ok. And I'm afraid that even if it does, I need to start looking at other options for her as far as living goes. Here's what I heard tonite, when i called her:

Me: Are you going to watch the president?
Mom: Yes, what channel is he on?
Me: He's probably on all the channels, I think if you just turn on the TV you won't have to worry about a channel (she hasn't remembered how any of the buttons on her remote work except the on/off yet)
Me: If I remember right, I left the remote right next to your phone.
Mom: Oh, there it is!
Me: Did you turn the TV on?
Mom: Nothing's happening.
Me: Did you point it at the TV?
Mom: What? Oh. No, I didn't. Nothing's still happening.
Me: Are you sure you're pointing it at the TV?
Mom: Where's the TV?
Me: Right there by the big window.
Mom: The big window?
Me: I think you should just call a helper, because it sounds like you're getting stressed out.
Mom: Ok! I can do that!

A month ago, she would've been telling me "I've been changing channels all night, there's nothing on but sports!" The change is very scary. And I can't imagine, that if she declines much from this point, that they could care for her well at her assisted living place. So, I think, unless I just completely assume that she would be going back to the nursing home where she just got out of, I need to look at other possibilities and get her on a waiting list for some of them, if that seems like something we should do.

I'm very relieved to be at work and knowing that I will be able to sleep in my own bed. But I'm worried that things won't go well there. I hope everything goes relatively smoothly....

And DD. Yesterday, she came home in tears, saying that some girls on the school bus said she smelled bad, and sprayed perfume on her "to make her smell better". So I had to call the school and get them tuned in to the potential bullying situation. For once, I believe that DD was telling the truth and not being dramatic. And the school took it very seriously, too.

And then....yes, there's a "then", of course! DH was telling me that he took DD to the library. DD gets on the phone and says, "Mom, I checked out an Anne Rice book on tape, and it's so creepy!!!" Instant mom alert. Anne Rice. THE Anne Rice? The one who writes erotic stuff about vampires? Yup. Definitely not suitable for a 15-year-old special needs kid. So there was a mini-meltdown when I told Dad to take it away from her. "But MOM!!! It's NOT THAT BAD!!! This one is ONLY about vampires, nothing else!" Yup, and Playboy is ONLY about the international news articles....Luckily, Dad could read from the back of the case that it probably was not "just about vampires"...

Oh--and the last thing? Not necessarily a crisis, but DH told me "I don't like my life." "I think the Abilify is working, and I am seeing my life more clearly. And I don't like what I see. I'm a lazy piece of sh**."

I'm not sure where we're going with that one. Hopefully it will motivate him to do something about that. He talked (for the first time in AGES) about volunteering. Maybe where my mom lives. Maybe at the nursing home. But he hates to see people suffering, so maybe not. I suggested the food shelf. I think he's still thinking about that one. Cross your fingers. These last couple of weeks have been nearly miraculous, in the way that he has been helping me with my mom. I have been amazed on a daily basis. So here's hoping that the amazement continues.