Rambling To and Fro...

Well, I had a great Mother's Day, and yesterday was great, too. DH was very much his "old self" and he finally went to his appointment with the nurse practitioner who prescribes his meds. She thinks he is not yet on enough Lithium. That we are seeing big changes from what he is on, but it's not enough to get rid of most of the bad days. So on Friday, assuming his blood levels are all right, he will go from taking 600 mg Lithium twice a day to taking 900 mg Lithium twice a day. We'll see what that does...she also decided that he should keep taking the same amount of Seroquel, but instead of taking some of it in the morning, he should take most of it at bedtime. She is hoping that will a) get him on a day/night schedule more, and b) relax him enough before bed to where he can wear the CPAP, which will improve his awakeness, too.

So that was all very hopeful, and once again, if this much Lithium is this good, I'm hoping that even more will be even better....

But....and maybe this is all me this time....I have a weird feeling today. Nothing I can put my finger on, but I feel weird. DH called me, said he feels good. He got a TON of stuff done today, since he got up at 11am, and had daytime hours to get things done with....so maybe that's the Seroquel thing taking hold....who knows....anyhow, there's something in his voice that is somehow making me think that things could get "bad" again really fast. So I'm being wary. I think it kind of feels weird to have him be getting all this stuff done, as I don't know if he's manic, or if he's "back to normal." I guess time will tell....and even if there's a "bad" day, I'll just tell myself that this weekend, with the new Lithium dose, should be very good.

Oh--and he went to see his therapist, too....his therapist, I guess, lectured him about sabotaging his recovery--sleeping through appointments, etc., and also told DH that no man who can walk and breathe, even in a bad economy, could go 9 months of "trying hard" to find a job and not get one. He pretty much told DH that DH isn't trying hard enough to find a job. I agree but didn't say anything about that, because DH, in his "normal" state, would have no trouble seeing the truth in that himself. I don't need to rub salt in the wounds by pointing out that I agree.

One of the things DH did today was figure out why our riding lawn mower wasn't working (the solenoid?). He went to the house of a guy in town who repairs lawnmowers and got a solenoid, and while he was there, the guy said he has a very nice riding lawn mower for $300. Even well before this, even last fall, I had been thinking we really needed something different, as ours is ALWAYS broken, but I don't have $300. I told DH that I can't do anything until we get our "economic stimulus" check, hopefully we are supposed to get that this week. He told me that he could have Jim pay for it and I could pay him back. And I said, "NO. I AM NOT GOING TO OWE JIM ONE MORE DIME. EVERY TIME HE SPENDS MONEY ON US OR LOANS YOU MONEY OR WHATEVER GIVES HIM MORE LEEWAY TO STAY LONGER, UNTIL I CAN PAY IT BACK. I DO NOT WANT THAT AT ALL. JIM HAS TO GO. HE IS STRESSING ME OUT TO NO END. I WANT MY LIVING ROOM BACK. DD HAS ALSO POINTED OUT THAT SHE IS SICK OF HIM. NO. NO. NO. NO MORE HELP FROM JIM."

And, LOL, DH said "I understand." And I don't think I told you all, but I told DH on Monday, that if Jim is not gone by July 1, I am going to gently tell him he needs to leave. DH said he didn't think Jim would still be here by then. I told him we didn't think Jim would still be here last November. I am so sick of these weird family dynamics. DH and I were going to go for a drive together to figure out how to handle a problem with DD. And Jim just comes running up..."You're going someplace? I'll be right there!" ARGH. He is wonderful. But I get closer to losing my temper with him every day.

On the upside, we've got 3 hens sitting on eggs now...I love baby chicks, so I hope they all do good!! And I'm getting so hopeful with DH, that I've started getting excited about things that I used to enjoy, that I had really really put aside while we were in crisis. I started looking at ads for wallpaper and linoleum and other relatively cheap ways to fix up your home and I got all excited, just like I used to, back when things were normal....when I realized that it shouldn't be too long before things are more normal than ever, I got really happy.

Oh--and Mrs. Bun is still doing pretty good. She seems pretty skinny, but she's as active as ever, and her appetite is good. When we get our stimulus check, I think I'll bring her to the vet (an hour away and very expensive) just to know for sure what is going on, although, based on her age and all, I'm pretty sure I already know.

And last but not least, please say prayers for the people whose homes were destroyed by tornadoes this week, as well as for the people of Myanmar, that they can receive some of the relief that they need after the cyclone, and also for the thousands of people affected by the earthquake in China. It seems like so many people are living through devastating disasters, sometimes when you think of what they've lost, you realize what you have.

Bipolar priorities

One of the ways I know DH is still not back to "normal", even on his "good" days is that he has absolutely no idea what his priorities should be. And even when he does know that something's important, usually its not important enough to end up on his radar screen.

Take those bankruptcy forms. They make me want to scream. He has been "gonna" file bankruptcy since May of this year. I've probably mentioned that before. The first attorney he talked to instructed him to use a Credit Counseling service (you have to do that before you file bankruptcy) and that would cost $75. I did have the money at the time, but I felt (mind you, this was back in May, when he still had a job) that it was his responsibility to take care of that. (Yayy for me not enabling him, right?) Well, he never did it.

So in August, he called a different attorney, who sent him a bunch of forms to fill out, with questions like "do you own your own home?" "List your debts and the addresses of those companies". You know, stuff you would expect for filing bankruptcy. (By the way, in MN he is allowed to file bankruptcy without me, so presumably, if he ever did it, my credit would be relatively unscathed)...Anyhow, at least once a week there is some kind of drama at our house involving a bill collector. Lately they've been calling him and telling him that they're going to put a lien on our house. Now based on what I've been able to find out, they can't do that without going to court. But I have been wrong before and would very much hate to be wrong here. Every time this one company calls our house, DH gets all upset about it, then he gets depressed about it, because he is "such a piece of sh**" and then he gets suicidal. At least once a week.

And that's not even mentioning the people who call regarding the bad checks he's written. And the bank accounts that have been closed due to the bad checks. We get a lot of calls. He owes a lot of people a lot of money.

I am also aware that by filing bankruptcy, the calls from the bill collectors would stop. Not only that, but if things work out like I'm thinking they probably will, they won't be able to put a lien on the house, either.

So it would seem to me, as a rational thinking person, that those forms should take top priority, right? It would end a lot of worry and pain for all involved. But I have been "reminding" him to fill out the forms since August. And they still aren't done. A couple of months ago, he promised me he would do them. Tonite, he told me "it's gonna take a while, there's a lot of pages."

I told him, "It should be your job. It is going to pay off. If you can have a reasonable expectation that you will eventually be working for 8 hours a day, and you are physically capable of doing that so that you can get paid, then spending an hour or two filling out forms that are ultimately going to save you $40,000-$50,000 should really be a no-brainer."

So then he pretended like he was suddenly drowsy, you know, with that groggy, half-asleep voice, so I told him I'd just talk to him some other time. Yes, I'm angry, but I don't know how much is "lazy" and how much is "bipolar" and how to tell the difference.

I fear I am going to have to give him an ultimatum, because if he can't fill those damn forms out, well, I sure can, but if I have to fill them out, I'll probably have to be appointed his guardian or power of attorney or whatever....and that won't go over well either. This is the kind of logic (or lack thereof) that I encounter daily. And I struggle with "should I do what I probably should be doing, at risk of making him hugely hurt and angry?" or "should I just hope he gets well enough or is well enough to take care of these things himself...." It's very easy to select the second option, the easy way out. After all, that's how it used to be...

Thoughts on the California Wildfires

This blog would be remiss if I did not mention my concern and sadness for the people of California who are living through these horrifying wildfires. The more I read, the more I see on TV, the more real it becomes. I have to confess, that at the outset of these fires, I heard the reporting on the news about "California wildfires" and I just thought, "Oh, well, they go through that every year". But the more I see and hear about these fires, it becomes clear that they are not an "every year" or even an "ever seen before" occurrence. A newspaper here in MN is now reporting that over a million people have been evacuated. I don't remember ever hearing about anything like that before in my life, except possibly Hurricane Katrina. For anyone interested in up-to-the-minute news on the fires and evacuations, click here.

Then I read this story about the brave rescuers who are trying to save pets and livestock. I couldn't even read it to the end. My first thought was "I can't imagine leaving my animals behind in a situation like this". My pets would be the first and only things I thought to grab. But I have heard so many tales about how people had to just drop everything and go, I suppose you do just that and worry about your pets later. I've never been in that kind of situation, so I have no idea what it's like. Undoubtedly it's something that will affect these people for the rest of their lives, even if their houses escape unscathed, so I'm certainly in no position to second-guess them.

I also saw a comment posted to a news story that said something like this: "Nobody cares about all those rich so-and-so's in Malibu, they've got insurance, let 'em burn". And I was appalled. But I have heard similar things from others as I've discussed these fires, so I know it's not an altogether uncommon sentiment. I just can't believe that anyone would fail to have empathy toward their fellow humans because "they're rich". After all, my family is not "rich" by any stretch of the imagination--I'm not sure many people would even regard our income as "middle class" right now, but I (and my family) am undoubtedly "richer" than quite a number of people. And I have insurance. But the prospect of losing my home, my woods, my neighbors, my heirlooms, my memories, that has absolutely nothing to do with how "rich" I am, it makes me want to cry for these people, whether they are millionaires or the housekeeper that scrubs the toilets. And it makes me want to cry for the people who respond with such cruelty. I hate the thought that I am even walking on the same planet as someone as full of hate as that.

Anyhow, if you are reading this and are of the praying type, maybe adding California into those prayers wouldn't hurt? They're added into mine, for sure.