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Monday, July 7, 2008

Melancholy Thoughts On Turning 41

You know, this isn't what I expected at all. My birthday's today--July 7, I'm 41. No way around it, unfortunately....I feel like there's so much not done, and the grief over not having had a biological child is very strong. That's what I'm feeling most, this birthday, is that I wish things had been different. I know the odds of me having a biological child at 41 are so slim, and I also know that the odds of DH and I being approved to adopt another child are probably even slimmer than that now, due to the mental illness, and I'm so sad. I'm such a nurturer, it really makes me feel sad that I won't be able to have that part of my life fulfilled. I wish that DH and I were farther along the road to stability, I might go to see a fertility doctor or something, but right now, it probably wouldn't be fair to the child anyhow--I know that things aren't fair to DD, and she's much older....

I never expected things to turn out like this--but I suppose there are very few brides who get up on their wedding day and think, "I'd sure like to know what it's like to be married to someone with a serious mental illness." But it's gotta be someone, I guess...why not us...I feel like by the time these debts get paid off, that everything will be "too late". Too late to have quality time with my mom, too late to stop working two jobs, too late to enjoy DD's growing up years, too late to have another child, or adopt another, too late....I hate birthdays, I really do. Sorry for this bummer of a post.

4 comments:

perphila said...

I am going to sound like my therapist here but I had this thought....what do you do that is just for you? I thought that because of your comment of things being "too late". I am bizarre and I was looking forward to getting old and the retirement years. I could spend more time with my husband. I could read more and I wanted to learn more about so many things I am interested in. It is never too late for those things. You give so much time to your family and work I rarely see you mention things you do for yourself. Like you need add another thing on your to do lists right...:) Life would be boring and really...really depressing if I didn't have something to look forward to. I know of a lot of things I should have done when I was younger and now I have those feelings of it being too late. I need to go to school. Before I was looking forward to it and saw it as learning to do something I liked and could get a job to help out but more for myself. Now I hate the idea of going. I feel I have to in order to survive. What a difference. I also think about the children. I should be in no position to say anything about wanting another child since I have four. That is plenty. Still, I am now having to come to terms that I am done with building my family. My husband and I had wanted a large family and June of last year had made the choice to not to anything medically to prevent another child down the road. My husbands mother had her last child in her fourties and since I am only 34 we felt there might be a chance. I guess the problem is that the choice was taken from me. I could never have any kids with someone else. The words too late again come to mind. Now we have to find new things to look forward to and get excited about. I am still hoping it will have my husband in it but if not I still have to find a way to be happy. p.s. check your email..:)

Anonymous said...

a belated Happy Birthday,
you still might be able to have a baby if you really want to...my mother had my brother when she was 45. Look at Nancy Grace she had her twins at the age of 49, I think it was. If you want to do something go ahead and do it or it will be too late. Urge your husband to get some type of a job even if it is part time, and what about the guy that lives with you, get him to pay board and room too. Try to quit being a slave to everyone and look after your own needs too.
love and peace, Alina

Anonymous said...

You just got dealt a band hand Carol, there's no harm in venting about it :) I hope you enjoyed the day on at least some level and I agree with Perphila...try and take just 5 minutes a day out for yourself. Happy Birthday.

neo1233 said...

I have had similiar feelings albeit fleeting. I take some time to deal with those feelings understanding that my mental health is something for me to deal with and although I would love to have a child to become a person in this world...it is not quite right a picture for me with depression/bipolor/schizophrenia to seek having a child...love yourself for what you are and not what you don't have...you might not have a child, then again maybe you will you never know...but it is what's inside the makes you whole...my two cents worth...take it for what you will...