Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I am never satisfied, but I am grateful that it's only bipolar.

You know, before DH was on the Lithium, if you would've talked to me, all I really wanted was someone to talk to once in a while, someone who got out of bed every day...or even once or twice a week....someone who had a sense of humor and someone who could remember that DD goes to bed at 9pm. It really seemed like so much to ask, it almost seemed impossible, when you looked at how things really were.

Now, after Lithium (it's funny, DH and I both categorize these times as "before Lithium" and "after Lithium", LOL), I've got all of the above and more. I've got a husband who goes out and gets firewood, a husband who cleans every once in a while. A husband who has more "easy-going" days than I dared to even hope for "pre-Lithium".

But I'm still complaining. The improvements are great. And it's so exciting. But I still want a husband who can get up in the morning without me prodding him. I still want a husband who has a job. I still want a husband who can go to the store and say to himself, "well, it's on sale, but I still can't afford it." A husband who can say "Let's save up for that big vacation." I really do appreciate all the positive changes that have come in the last few months. And I love my husband. Very much. I guess I still really wish for the exact same guy I married. And I realize on an intellectual level that he might be gone forever. And despite all the good that has come, still I whine. Poor me.

But there are wives of Iraq veterans who are facing a lifetime of PTSD, a lifetime of brain damage far worse than anything DH has...wives who are facing a lifetime of having their "rock", their strong protector, soldier, husband, be completely dependent on them. Not able to get the firewood or crack a joke. Not able to walk or talk or even be left alone safely. And all of these with absolutely no hope for recovery. No Lithium is going to help. I need to remember that what DH and I have gone through is trivial compared to many couples. It feels worse, because it's happening to US, but when I manage to think of all the ways things could be worse, I am grateful, for sure.


perphila said...

I am glad for you that things no matter how slowly are getting better. Sad to say I am jealous at the same time. Luckily I am more glad though..:) I am rooting for you both.

Pann said...

Oh, it's so sad, the so many ways that people have suffered because of war. But PTSD can be treated; there is always hope.

There are those with brain damage, though... or other horrible physical injuries.

Yes, in comparison, Bipolar may be something to be grateful for.